A Christmas to Remember

Last night we had Christmas at the orphanage. It had been a decently hard week for me as I spoke with all of my family back home who were spending time together for Christmas and I realized everything I loved so much and was missing out on. Plus the lack of snow, Christmas music, Christmas cookies, Christmas shopping, and wrapping had left me confused as to if it were even actually almost Christmas. I was feeling a bit sad, this was a time of year that I always loved and looked forward to and it seemed to be slipping away from me without notice. I knew that this was where God wanted me to be though, even though it was hard...

Sara was busy in the kitchen throughout the day preparing the meal and I played some with the kids. Somewhere in this time I decided, and asked permission, to take some of the boys to play soccer (which they absolutely love). On the way home they asked if we could go to the beach. As I looked at my watch and saw there was only an hour and 15 minutes until dinner I thought to myself that we did not have time... then I remember it was Christmas and something as simple as going to the beach was something these kids never got to do and was so special to them. I then realized that special treats, showing them love through that, was way more important than a schedule. We got there and all 7 boys ran down the stairs, onto the beech, and stripped off their t-shirts as they ran to the water. As I watched them play and laugh and the sun set, I thought to myself about how this is never where I pictured myself being. Last Christmas I never ever would had thought I’d spend the following one in shorts and a t-shirt watching a bunch of high school kids run around on the beech in Mexico... it was beautiful. We soon headed home in time for everyone to shower.

As we all met in the Chapel at the orphanage everyone was dressed up in their nicest clothes, hair done nicely, and with an attitude of gratitude and excitement for the party. We then headed into the dining room which was all decorated. We served the kids at their seats as they ate the candy out of their goodie bags at their seats before we could get them food. After dinner we brought all of the wrapped gifts into the dining room. Suddenly there was a hoard of little kids standing around, looking at them in awe, trying to figure out which one was theirs! Sara called out each kids name and they were instructed to applaud as each kid received their gift. The look on the kids’ faces were priceless as they took the gift and the sound of laughter and applause created a melody that was worthy of the heavens. Once everyone received a gift they were told they could open them and suddenly the room went up in a cloud of wrapping paper and toys. We then spent the rest of the night with candy and cookies in kids mouths as they ran around showing off and playing with their new toys.

By 9:30 most of the little kids had gone to bed and I found myself playing volleyball in the courtyard with a few of the high school kids. As I stood there, continuing to share some of the most beautiful smiles and laughs, I realized that though I missed time with my family that this was pure beauty. That somehow the sentiment of Christmas and attitude of gratefulness and joy to and for our Savior that I experienced here was more than I had experienced any other Christmas.

There is something about having nothing. Something about all of these kids who aren’t even with their families, who’s parents have abandoned them. Parents who don’t even come to see them for Christmas. Who only have the bare necessities in life... something about watching them genuinely smile and love and be truly grateful that seems to really be what Christmas is about. That seems to somehow, maybe, come close to why God would send us a Savior.

I missed my family but there couldn’t have been anywhere else that I would have rather been that night. A melody of God’s children.

The Journey Begins

As I sit on the plane right now part of me gets what’s going on and part of me has no clue. As the wheels pulled up off of the ground in Indianapolis and I realized that the place I made fun of and disliked so much 2.5 years ago that has subsequently become my home that I love so much is not going to be my home anymore. A slight part of me realizes that I I’m not getting on a plane to go on a nice vacation like I am accustomed to but that I am leaving everything that I know to enter the great unknown, where I don’t know the language, culture, food, people, or how to shower! As we got higher into the sky for the first time in about 6 years I thought to myself, “I just want my mommy.” My heart pleaded out to not leave this nice life I know and love where everyone I love and care about is within 4 hours driving distance to move to another country...

Today hasn’t been easy. I am scared. I’m scared of the uncomfortable and unknown but then I remember that when I woke up today I declared to God (as I try to everyday) that today I will die to myself so I may be alive in him. I know that this is his will for me and it is good and perfect and will be beautiful. I know he is looking down on me right now and smiling at my obedience and desire. I’m scared but I serve a good God who has shown his unending faithfulness to me throughout this process. Who has provided for me in ways that I never even imagined or asked for... why would I serve anyone else or listen to my own fears when there is someone who knows me and what I need better than I do? I am listening and I am following, it’s the only thing that makes sense.

Running Away from Home

About a week ago I packed my car up as much as I could full of stuff, clothes and books and dishes and decor and bedding..., and drove it to Goodwill. Today I found myself doing the same thing, with my car jam packed I drove up and was met by the same nice man. As we were carrying all of the boxes in he turned to me and asked, “what, you running away?” I grinned and looked at him and said, “Something like that.”

As I reflected on it in many ways I am running away... I’m running away from the pull the world has on me here in the US. From the “stuff” that I keep thinking that I need and that I do want but by no means need. I’m running away from the busyness. I’m running away from not having time... time for my friends, time for God, time to just allow myself to be and engage. I’m running away from the luxuries and the safety and the easy comfortable life that I’ve always lived. Never once in my life have I gone with out, throughout my life I’ve not only had everything I needed, I’ve had everything that I possibly wanted. And if I didn’t actually have it then I certainly had the means to get it. I’m running away from the ability to muscle through life anymore. People always tell me how strong I am and I agree, God blessed me with some amazing strength that I have certainly needed throughout life. However, this strength has also allowed me the ability to muscle my way through things, to know that I can get through them by myself, that I’m strong enough for just about anything and can make it. I don’t want to muscle through life anymore. I want to learn to be utterly dependent on God. To look to him everyday and know that he must show up for me, for everything, to be okay.

So I am running away from everything that has allowed me to be comfortable, to never go a day without, to muscle through. I’m running from everything that the world yells to me is necessary and I deserve: the nice paycheck, the stable government, the 401K, the full insurance, the nice car, the hot water, the paved roads, the language I know, my own apartment and space, the sewage system, the cushy job, the retirement fund... I’m running from it all because when I have all of that I don’t have to look to God, I just look to myself and my ultimate goal is my own safety and comfort. But true life is striving to serve God and wake up every morning knowing that I can’t do it, that I have no power or control over any of it but that He can. Knowing and believing that fact I can wake up every morning smiling.

So the Goodwill guy was right, I am running away from many aspects of here, what I failed to tell him though it that I am running to home. I am running to where my heart is right now and where I may, and will have to, be fully dependent on my Father daily.

Lead and I Will Follow...

A piece of my heart has been missing… I wasn’t sure where it was or where I had left it, all I knew was that over the last few months a piece of me has been missing. I haven’t been engaged in work at all, my mind just was nowhere to be found there. My relationships while very good weren’t quite right. My hunger in life, my passion, my fury, my intensity, the part of me that makes me me was missing… I didn’t know where it was all I knew was that a piece of me was missing. It began seemingly small, I didn’t really notice it and then when I did I wrote it off as part of the natural evenflow of life, just a temporary valley, but it persisted and eventually hit me hard and I was forced to realize that a piece of me was gone, it was off somewhere else, my life wasn’t being lived to the capacity I was made for…

I found the missing piece this week… I’d left it in Tijuana, Mexico in January when I was there. When I revisited this week I realized that was where this huge chunk of my heart now resided. Throughout the week at the orphanage we stay at I remembered what it was like to smile, not because of a funny joke, but merely because you see God so strongly at work, merely because you are so content and happy just where you are at. I remembered what it was like to be passionate again, to be lit on fire. I remembered what true joy and love looked like and just how beautiful they could be. I remembered what it felt like to truly smile and laugh again. I found my missing piece and I realized it was left in Tijuana for a reason. I realized that it would continue to stay in Tijuana, the only place that I’d feel truly alive right now is Tijuana. It was left there because that is where I am being called, that is where I belong, at least for right now. That is where God wants me and that is where I am needed. I realized that the only thing scarier than moving across the nation, into a foreign country where the crime rate is high and perceived risk of danger is huge, where I don’t speak their language and have to learn a new culture… the only thing scarier than going to this place is not going and trying to live my life “safely” and “comfortably” here in Indianapolis with a huge part of me missing.

I’m not willing to be called and not go. I’m not willing to not live in to the person that God made me to be. I’m not willing to not use every last gift that God blessed me with. My prayer to God for the last year and a half has been “Lead and I will follow” He is leading me in to this and I must follow. So I will set out on a scary and risky journey straight in to the arms of my King, obediently listening and seeking.

Lord willing, I will be sent…

Hurricane

One of my favorite snapshots from Training School, one of the most powerful times, the only time I cried all year came in Tijuana. One night our group got together in the dining area and decided to have worship time. Tony, one of our members, played the guitar and had a few songs prepared for us. He proceeded through a couple songs on his list and then came to Oh How He Loves Us as he played it and we all sang along the weight of God fell on us and we felt His Spirit near, we were all moved and something special was happening. Larry then gently starting telling us a story about visiting his son in Chicago before his son left for Israel for a month. He explained how the logistics weren’t working out perfectly and it came down to the one day Larry could drive the 4 hours to spend the day with him his son had to work. Then he explained this conversation with his son after this road bump, how he explained to him that even if he could only see him on his break, even if it were only for 5 minutes it would be worth it because that was just how much he loved him… I remembered thinking how beautiful that was and then he explained how that was his love merely as an earthly father and how much more must God love each and every one of us as our true Heavenly Father… the weight hit us, the immensity of his love, the vastness, the power… there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. We then sang the song again, all of us with tears flooding down our face as God spoke straight in to each of our hearts and whispered how much he loved us, something that we don’t get that we can’t imagine, that we all miss so often. It was heavy and beautiful… The song became known as the “Hurricane” song in Training School and was our favorite song, we held it dearly.

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all

Yeah He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all

Yeah He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves

I spent the past week in Tijuana again, Larry was also there but the rest of the group was different which was good yet hard as we missed those we’d journeyed with all year. Tony, our guitar player, was supposed to go but decided not to last minute. As Larry and I discussed it we both understood the decision but were very sad we’d miss our on his worship music, I think both of us were hoping to hear the “Hurricane” song again and connect with it again down there. Our second night in to the trip we had a good group sharing time and at the end Larry asked one of the guys who plays the guitar to pick a song and play it for us. He started to play and Larry and my eyes met right away as our jaws both dropped… he’d chosen our Hurricane song knowing nothing of our story with it. From that moment on I knew God was right there beside us. I remembered just how big he is and just how able he is to provide for us right when we need it and how we need it. I remember what a good God he is, that loves us well.

Go here to listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxTOsQ3LDE4

Compelled to Walk, with Fear

In college I was a goalie. We were a big enough program and fortunate enough that we, the goalies, got our very own coach to give us one-on-one, specific attention. The rest of the team ran sprints and we worked on ladders, plyo boxes, and getting up quick off the ground. The rest of the team worked on foot skills as we perfected our hands and our diving. The rest of the team learned how to float a nice ball through the air and we learned how to read it and how to shove any of those other people out of our way to get there. We were very trained, very programmed to be goalies first and that meant having a very different perspective and read on the game. We spent hours everyday standing just in front of a line, a large metal box behind us and someone coming at us with a ball at their feet. We spent hours a day repeatedly learning how to read the ball, how to position our bodies, how to position our defenders, how to communicate accurately so that that little ball would not get past us. And, when it did, we’d get back up and start replaying the whole thing in our mind to figure out what went wrong, what we possibly could have done different to make sure it would be a save next time and we had a coach there to assist us in figuring this out.

As I step back and look at this it would seem quite possible that we could, and quite honestly probably have at some point in our past, played a great game, just been on fire making 14 spectacular saves and reading the game well, communicating well and then make one minor mistake that turns in to a goal. At the end of the game we could, and have, walk away from that game thinking, “I failed, my entire purpose was to keep that ball out of the net and it went in.” You see we can so easily merely focused on our aspect of the game, we were goalies so we had one main vision: don’t let the ball get past you. My goalie coach was definitely always trying to teach me how to keep the ball out of the back of the net, that was the point, BUT if I allowed myself to get too focused on this specific big vision I may easily miss out on the fact that my team also has an offense. My team also has a well-trained nucleus at the other end trying to get the ball in the back of the other team’s net. And if I lose sight of the big picture and get too focused just on my vision I may miss the fact that, though I did let in one goal, my team scored 2 goals and thus we won! In the big picture it’s a victory but if I get too caught up on my specifics I may miss this altogether. After all my vision was to not let a goal in but the overall objective and big picture for the team (which would include me) is to win.

Though my coach spent everyday at practicing teaching me and training me to keep the ball out of the back of the net at the end of the day that is just the vision, she, along with the head coach, never thought I’d keep it out of the net every time, they knew it’d go in sometimes, but they still gave me the bigger vision to aim at. At the end of the games where I played like I stated above, on fire, my coach never came up to me and looked at me with disappointment, they saw the good, they saw the big picture and all of the successes in my endeavor to achieve the vision and the overall team objective being attained. In life we so often get caught up on the vision, it becomes the only thing that we see. We forget to look at the big picture and embrace the successes. Jesus laid out a compelling vision for each of us, he doesn’t expect us to achieve it perfectly, but he does ask that we walk towards it. He does ask that we don’t look at perfection as the overall goal and thus let fear encroach on our willingness to try. Like my coaches, He knows we won’t achieve it perfectly and that isn’t His aim anyways, he knows that what we do accomplish will be beautiful and he desires to rejoice with us as we push and walk towards it. He gives us vision not as something to be attained but as something that gets us walking in the right direction as he guides every step we take.

Family...

Family. I always thought family was two parents and their kids, that it had something to do with sharing blood, that it was the people you semi awkwardly sit around with at Christmas. I am starting to learn that family has nothing to do with those things, that family is magnificently bigger than that.

I live a couple hundred miles away from my parents, my brother, my aunts and uncles and cousins. I think it is precisely because of this that I have learned what family truly is. Family is the people who are there for you right when you need them, the people who no matter time of the night it is will wake up to talk to you or be with you. Family is the people who drive you to the airport even though its out of the way, the people you share meals with. Family is the people who know the daily going ons in your life. Family is the people who when everything else in the world seems upside down help you to understand up from down because they are right beside you, loving you, caring about you.

You see I haven’t lived near my parents or brother for 6 years yet I have family right here in Indianapolis. My family is the people who are there for me after a hard day at work, who help me when I have car trouble, who come to my house when I am alone and scared, who I laugh with, and who I know I could call at any moment if I really needed them and they would be there in a heartbeat. We do not share DNA yet they are a beautiful family to me and I am so grateful to have them.

I think we often pigeon hole the word family as if it has to fit a certain definition, we’re afraid to look outside the box, the thing is, often exactly what we need is right outside of the box. We spend so much time talking about what our family isn’t, how they hurt us, and their shortcomings and we miss our present blessing, we miss the fact that our current family is probably the people we’re standing there complaining to. I’m not saying that parents and siblings aren’t family but I’m saying its just so much bigger than that! I’ve been blessed with people around me who are able to fill in the areas that my parents and sibling weren’t able to, to compliment it, and to presently be with me. I’ve been extremely blessed to have people who have only known me a few months yet will do the same things for me my parents would. Our blood related family are not all we have we must continue to open our eyes to the other family members we are being blessed with.

A Wise Word from a Street Friend

“Being a Christian’s fucking hard eh?” said Jeanie as she plopped down next to me during the church get-together at Sanctuary. I chuckled a little and then regretted taking my next deep breath as her stench reached my nostrils. The stench that only a street person, someone who has no home, no shower, no change of clothes, who sleeps on the cold streets and tries to numb the pain of it all with alcohol, has. “You are right” I said with a small smirk on my face.

Everyday when we wake up we have to die. We die to ourselves, to our desires, our temptations. We step up and allow ourselves to be nailed to the cross besides Jesus every day, really every moment of every day. I see what I want, I feel my reaction, I desire my will and then tackle it to the ground. You are absolutely right; I don’t get to do what I want to do ever. I often appear to be a goody-goody to all my friends and those who look at me. They think ‘oh of course she did that she’s a Christian’ or ‘of course she wouldn’t do that she’s a Christian,’ as if when I decided to start walking with the Lord I got a special super power in which temptations of the flesh no longer affect me. As if I don’t want to flick off the guy who just cut me off, as if I don’t want to go our a drink beer all night, as if I don’t want to sleep with my boyfriend, as if I don’t want to gossip also. As if I always want to give my money away, to help my neighbor shovel their sidewalk, or help my friend with their homework. I still want to do the first things and often don’t want to do the later, they still plague me daily, they still catch my eye and lure me in, initially at least. So you’re absolutely correct Jeanie, ‘being a Christian is fucking hard” and I think that gets missed a lot, I don’t always think people recognize what sacrifice it takes, that it is “fucking hard” every day. As they can’t believe I don’t want the 3^rd beer of the night and that I’m waiting for marriage and question me on why I would ever possibly do that, I don’t think they understand that it’s by no means easy for me to say no to the temptation, that so much of me screams yes to those.

But you know what else Jeanie, even though it is absolutely hard, it’s also absolutely worth it. Everyday when I have to say no to all of the things I want to say yes to I know that it is enabling me in turn to say yes to my Savior. I know every morning when I wake up that I am loved and I will not enter into the trials of the day alone. I know that my worth is not in the events that will unfold before me throughout the day, not in the job I have, the money I make, the car I drive, the boyfriend I have, the amount of friends I have, what my parents and family think of me… it is purely in the fact that I was made perfectly in the image of My Maker. That He molded me and created me to be just how I am for His specific purpose. That I have a King of Kings who designed me just for an exact purpose, one that no one else other than I can fill. You see when I look Him in the eye and see my Father and hear Him say ‘well done,’ it makes it all worth it. When I look up into His eyes I no longer see the toil I just see hope; knowing there is a bigger plan and purpose for me.

I watched Jeanie walk out on to the dance floor with some of the other homeless people and staff and members of the congregation and just let go and dance before the Lord. I watched her clearly broken, having very little and the stark reality of the night that lay before her: sleeping on the cold street of Toronto in February looming over her, yet filled with joy and freedom as she danced, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. I again chuckled, this time to God, thinking ‘yeah God it’s hard but it’s in moments like this one that I remember that it’s all worth it.’ Jeanie was encountering God and His love out there and those moments are so precious and so pristinely beautiful and exactly why it is all worth it, exactly why every morning I wake up and say no to myself.