One of my favorite Toronto experiences came on my last day in the city. It was Looney and Tunney day (meaning all I had to spend on food for the entire day was one dollar) and we were given the afternoon free to wander around. As I wandered the city I found myself just wanting and desiring all the food and treats that I couldn’t have (well not that day at least). So I decided to go hang out and read and spend time with God in a park instead. Several homeless people who also had no reason to wander the city streets since they had no money to spend either were also resting in the park. I sat beneath a shady tree and began my normal routine of listening to music and reading. After a few minutes sitting there an older homeless guy began yelling towards my direction and beckoning me to come over, a bit taken aback and confused I wandered over. There were two men sitting there, one much older, maybe 60, named Frenchie and the other younger, maybe 25, named Paul. When I first sat down I was a bit confused about Paul. Frenchie was obviously homeless, he had all the “typical” homeless aspects including ragged clothing, all of his possessions around him, and a rough edge to him. However, Paul was dressed in nice, clean jeans, had some sweet Adidas kicks on, and a newer grey v-neck tee. I began to think that Paul was there like I was, just to hang out and spend time with the homeless people. As I sat there a bit lost in what Frenchie was ever saying and being heckled by him for asking too many questions I felt confused as to why I was sitting there with them yet stayed anyway. As we (well moreso they) bantered back and forth and I continued asking questions to get to know them better Paul started sharing his story and my heart began to break.
Throughout my time thus far with them I had seen Paul’s immense intelligence and he obviously didn’t look like a homeless person yet I learned that he was. Paul’s story was short and relatively simple yet left me forever changed. He had grown up in Canada, he never knew his dad and his mom left him at a young age. He went through countless foster families and was constantly being passed around. At the age of 15 his mother came back and wanted her son back so he returned to living with her, however, she again left. At this point he said, “I felt too much shame to return to my foster family so I came to live on the streets.” From the age of 15 until today he had been in jail several times and convicted even more. He had recently been released and was hoping to get his old job back and explained how he realized he had both an anger and drug problem. This kid had so much potential, just like me, the only difference between him and I was that I was born into a loving, privileged family that allowed me opportunities, opportunities to go to school, to not have to worry about where my food was coming from, to feel loved, to go to college, to get a job, to not turn to drugs, to control my emotions and countless other things, as opposed to being passed around like an object that no one wanted.
‘Homeless people have a choice in it all, they, like me, can go to school and can go interview and get a job. They chose to give up and to sit on the street,’ this is what I had always thought and truly believed. I now began to realize that most of them were victims, victims of the family that they were born into, the lies they began to believe, and the low blows they had been dealt. I began to realize that much like the coping mechanisms I have developed of putting up walls to protect myself and not allowing myself to feel certain things they too had found these mechanisms, safety; in drugs and alcohol. The reason that they take the little money they do find and panhandle on alcohol and drugs is because they need something to numb the pain, the disappointment that is constantly reminding them that they’re not good enough, that they have nothing… I don’t know what that’s like… to feel like the only things and place I have to turn to for comfort is substances that will numb me to it all… what a way to have to live.
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