Since I embarked on this adventure of a lifetime, following the call I felt on my life I have had a large variety of responses. The majority being more or less, ‘are you crazy?’ at first and then support, at times reluctant, for me and what I am doing. As I have come back from Mexico, clueless at what is next and where God is calling me now and what he has for me, many of those once supportive voices are falling back into skepticism in what exactly I am doing with my life. Its hard, its hard enough to have no clue what is next obviously I would like to know but I have a faith that allows me to sit in the unknown and know that someday I will know and it will be good because it will be from above and the Lord’s will for me is always perfect.
In the midst of these skeptic responses and at times looks like I am the most irresponsible person in the world God continues to work and use me. Over the year and as I continue to interact and talk with people, people from all walks of life, some who I’ve known all my life and others who I just briefly meet and brush paths with as I walk my life out in Indy, I have received an overwhelming response of, ‘you are an inspiration,’ ‘I admire you so much.’ I have been so extremely humbled by these responses mostly because most days I’m barely getting by. Most days mornings in Tijuana, and even today, I woke up and scrounged around for the energy just to make it out of bed. Most days I plead with God for just a little more patience or wisdom or strength to be there, to hang out with the kids, to be someone worthy of the amazing call and amazing team of supporters he had raised up for me. Most moments I just yearned for a little more of his love and presence so I could share that with those little angels who I was never ever worthy enough to walk alongside or know. I was doing the best I could but most days it didn’t seem like enough or like I was really doing much of anything, I just hung out and talked with kids. Sure sometimes there were some revolutionary, good God talks or life talks. Sometimes I was able to be there right when they needed someone and it was a God moment, when I had no doubt he was using me as one of his servants and I was able to be his hands and feet here on earth. But most of the days, most of the time, I was just hanging out, talking, living alongside kids. Sometimes I was a good example but sometimes I lost my patience or just wanted to run away or didn’t want to go find another kid clothes. I was just living and striving to do my best which typically didn’t seem like enough, or anything really. I really never felt like anyone worthy of being admired or being called an inspiration, I was just living what I felt called to by God and trying to get by.
As I’ve been back I continue to have these feelings of not feeling worthy of much but now I can see God at work once again. These people who called me an inspiration or had admiration for me, it wasn’t for me or even fully what I was doing, it was that I was willing to drop everything I had: my life’s plan, my career, my finances, my family and friends, my comfort, my security, my future and all control... to do something I felt called to do and actually mattered. I wasn’t willing to get caught in the demands of society and put that before the call of God. I now realize the multi faceted ways that God used this experience, this calling on my life. It wasn’t only for the kids down there, or even for my support team, but it was for every one of those friends and family and acquaintances and people who I brush paths with and share my story who say, ‘wow, that is inspiring.’ I probably never would have caught the glances of those people had I of stayed in my old job but by radically chasing after God I caught their glance and God has and will continue to use that I believe. It is also funny because many of those people who loved what I was doing down there and called me inspiring are the same ones who are now looking at me like I am crazy because I don’t know what is next and am living in the waiting. They like my willingness to go but find my lack of control over my own life irresponsible. The exact thing that they love about me and call inspiring is the same thing that now makes me uncomfortable to them, my opinion is that is because it probably scares the hell of out them. Irony I suppose. God is uncomfortable, he is lack of control but I also know that anyone I have found and called an inspiration or wanted to live like has also lived in this place of unknowness that I find myself in now... so I figure it can’t be a bad place to be. I know I have a God who in his time will reveal what’s next, and it will be from him so it will be good.
