About a week ago I packed my car up as much as I could full of stuff, clothes and books and dishes and decor and bedding..., and drove it to Goodwill. Today I found myself doing the same thing, with my car jam packed I drove up and was met by the same nice man. As we were carrying all of the boxes in he turned to me and asked, “what, you running away?” I grinned and looked at him and said, “Something like that.”
As I reflected on it in many ways I am running away... I’m running away from the pull the world has on me here in the US. From the “stuff” that I keep thinking that I need and that I do want but by no means need. I’m running away from the busyness. I’m running away from not having time... time for my friends, time for God, time to just allow myself to be and engage. I’m running away from the luxuries and the safety and the easy comfortable life that I’ve always lived. Never once in my life have I gone with out, throughout my life I’ve not only had everything I needed, I’ve had everything that I possibly wanted. And if I didn’t actually have it then I certainly had the means to get it. I’m running away from the ability to muscle through life anymore. People always tell me how strong I am and I agree, God blessed me with some amazing strength that I have certainly needed throughout life. However, this strength has also allowed me the ability to muscle my way through things, to know that I can get through them by myself, that I’m strong enough for just about anything and can make it. I don’t want to muscle through life anymore. I want to learn to be utterly dependent on God. To look to him everyday and know that he must show up for me, for everything, to be okay.
So I am running away from everything that has allowed me to be comfortable, to never go a day without, to muscle through. I’m running from everything that the world yells to me is necessary and I deserve: the nice paycheck, the stable government, the 401K, the full insurance, the nice car, the hot water, the paved roads, the language I know, my own apartment and space, the sewage system, the cushy job, the retirement fund... I’m running from it all because when I have all of that I don’t have to look to God, I just look to myself and my ultimate goal is my own safety and comfort. But true life is striving to serve God and wake up every morning knowing that I can’t do it, that I have no power or control over any of it but that He can. Knowing and believing that fact I can wake up every morning smiling.
So the Goodwill guy was right, I am running away from many aspects of here, what I failed to tell him though it that I am running to home. I am running to where my heart is right now and where I may, and will have to, be fully dependent on my Father daily.
