“Being a Christian’s fucking hard eh?” said Jeanie as she plopped down next to me during the church get-together at Sanctuary. I chuckled a little and then regretted taking my next deep breath as her stench reached my nostrils. The stench that only a street person, someone who has no home, no shower, no change of clothes, who sleeps on the cold streets and tries to numb the pain of it all with alcohol, has. “You are right” I said with a small smirk on my face.
Everyday when we wake up we have to die. We die to ourselves, to our desires, our temptations. We step up and allow ourselves to be nailed to the cross besides Jesus every day, really every moment of every day. I see what I want, I feel my reaction, I desire my will and then tackle it to the ground. You are absolutely right; I don’t get to do what I want to do ever. I often appear to be a goody-goody to all my friends and those who look at me. They think ‘oh of course she did that she’s a Christian’ or ‘of course she wouldn’t do that she’s a Christian,’ as if when I decided to start walking with the Lord I got a special super power in which temptations of the flesh no longer affect me. As if I don’t want to flick off the guy who just cut me off, as if I don’t want to go our a drink beer all night, as if I don’t want to sleep with my boyfriend, as if I don’t want to gossip also. As if I always want to give my money away, to help my neighbor shovel their sidewalk, or help my friend with their homework. I still want to do the first things and often don’t want to do the later, they still plague me daily, they still catch my eye and lure me in, initially at least. So you’re absolutely correct Jeanie, ‘being a Christian is fucking hard” and I think that gets missed a lot, I don’t always think people recognize what sacrifice it takes, that it is “fucking hard” every day. As they can’t believe I don’t want the 3rd beer of the night and that I’m waiting for marriage and question me on why I would ever possibly do that, I don’t think they understand that it’s by no means easy for me to say no to the temptation, that so much of me screams yes to those.
But you know what else Jeanie, even though it is absolutely hard, it’s also absolutely worth it. Everyday when I have to say no to all of the things I want to say yes to I know that it is enabling me in turn to say yes to my Savior. I know every morning when I wake up that I am loved and I will not enter into the trials of the day alone. I know that my worth is not in the events that will unfold before me throughout the day, not in the job I have, the money I make, the car I drive, the boyfriend I have, the amount of friends I have, what my parents and family think of me… it is purely in the fact that I was made perfectly in the image of My Maker. That He molded me and created me to be just how I am for His specific purpose. That I have a King of Kings who designed me just for an exact purpose, one that no one else other than I can fill. You see when I look Him in the eye and see my Father and hear Him say ‘well done,’ it makes it all worth it. When I look up into His eyes I no longer see the toil I just see hope; knowing there is a bigger plan and purpose for me.
I watched Jeanie walk out on to the dance floor with some of the other homeless people and staff and members of the congregation and just let go and dance before the Lord. I watched her clearly broken, having very little and the stark reality of the night that lay before her: sleeping on the cold street of Toronto in February looming over her, yet filled with joy and freedom as she danced, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. I again chuckled, this time to God, thinking ‘yeah God it’s hard but it’s in moments like this one that I remember that it’s all worth it.’ Jeanie was encountering God and His love out there and those moments are so precious and so pristinely beautiful and exactly why it is all worth it, exactly why every morning I wake up and say no to myself.
