Blackberry Bushes

Last night my roommate dropped me into a blackberry bush.  I’m not sure if you know this or not but blackberry bushes are FULL of thorns.  Now normally if I trusted you to hold me up and not drop me into the abyss of thorns and you didn’t I would be extremely upset at you.  However, last night there was not a hint of anger in me as my three roommates excavated me out of the thorn gully.  My lack of anger wasn’t due to the fact that I was laughing too hard to try to ignore the pain of my cut up and bloodied right side.  No those laughs were real, they weren’t concealing anything.  You see the reason that I wasn’t mad last night like I normally would be was because I had chosen to love these girls.  Before I even moved in with them I had chosen to let them into my heart and life and have a yes for them even when I didn’t feel like it.  I had chosen in my heart to love them through thick and thin which meant that even when times got tough I wouldn’t chose to pull away but instead to continue to be fully present.  Which meant that I had to go through a lot more pain this summer because my heart was fully open to them, fully open to be loved and embraced and to laugh with them but also fully open to be hurt or ignored or to feel neglected.  

You see I made a decision a long time ago to turn off my heart.  To not let feelings in anymore which ultimately meant that I didn’t really let people in anymore either.  It meant that I never felt that happy or thrilled or alive but it also meant that I never had to feel much pain. I learned to stay up, to not let anyone or anything knock me down, the cost to that was not letting people in fully though.  But this summer I decided I was done with that.  I decided I wanted to be fully alive and to feel again and so I found some of the most loving, caring, trustworthy people I knew and decided to move in with them and decided to leave my heart open.  I decided to commit to them and to not run away and I must say that it has been far from easy.  I must say that many more tears have been shed this summer than have in over a year but I also must say that I’ve felt more alive this summer than I have in quite some time.  

So you see, having three roommates laugh beside me as they pick thorns out of me, wipe my blood off, and try to get me out of the ditch and not having even a tinge of anger was success for me.  It proved to me that I had fully chosen them this summer and loved them and hence a great memory of us all together was far more valuable to me than the pain of the scratches.  And even more than that I learned both in reality and metaphorically that when I fall they won’t just leave me there, that the right people won’t just watch me suffer, but that they’ll run to my side, help me out, and tend to my wounds because they love me.  I learned that I can trust people and open up my heart fully. 

Admiration

Since I embarked on this adventure of a lifetime, following the call I felt on my life I have had a large variety of responses.  The majority being more or less, ‘are you crazy?’ at first and then support, at times reluctant, for me and what I am doing.  As I have come back from Mexico, clueless at what is next and where God is calling me now and what he has for me, many of those once supportive voices are falling back into skepticism in what exactly I am doing with my life.  Its hard, its hard enough to have no clue what is next obviously I would like to know but I have a faith that allows me to sit in the unknown and know that someday I will know and it will be good because it will be from above and the Lord’s will for me is always perfect.  

In the midst of these skeptic responses and at times looks like I am the most irresponsible person in the world God continues to work and use me.  Over the year and as I continue to interact and talk with people, people from all walks of life, some who I’ve known all my life and others who I just briefly meet and brush paths with as I walk my life out in Indy, I have received an overwhelming response of, ‘you are an inspiration,’ ‘I admire you so much.’  I have been so extremely humbled by these responses mostly because most days I’m barely getting by.  Most days mornings in Tijuana, and even today, I woke up and scrounged around for the energy just to make it out of bed.  Most days I plead with God for just a little more patience or wisdom or strength to be there, to hang out with the kids, to be someone worthy of the amazing call and amazing team of supporters he had raised up for me.  Most moments I just yearned for a little more of his love and presence so I could share that with those  little angels who I was never ever worthy enough to walk alongside or know.  I was doing the best I could but most days it didn’t seem like enough or like I was really doing much of anything, I just hung out and talked with kids.  Sure sometimes there were some revolutionary, good God talks or life talks.  Sometimes I was able to be there right when they needed someone and it was a God moment, when I had no doubt he was using me as one of his servants and I was able to be his hands and feet here on earth.  But most of the days, most of the time, I was just hanging out, talking, living alongside kids.  Sometimes I was a good example but sometimes I lost my patience or just wanted to run away or didn’t want to go find another kid clothes.  I was just living and striving to do my best which typically didn’t seem like enough, or anything really.  I really never felt like anyone worthy of being admired or being called an inspiration,  I was just living what I felt called to by God and trying to get by.  

As I’ve been back I continue to have these feelings of not feeling worthy of much but now I can see God at work once again.  These people who called me an inspiration or had admiration for me, it wasn’t for me or even fully what I was doing, it was that I was willing to drop everything I had: my life’s plan, my career, my finances, my family and friends, my comfort, my security, my future and all control... to do something I felt called to do and actually mattered.  I wasn’t willing to get caught in the demands of society and put that before the call of God.  I now realize the multi faceted ways that God used this experience, this calling on my life.  It wasn’t only for the kids down there, or even for my support team, but it was for every one of those friends and family and acquaintances and people who I brush paths with and share my story who say, ‘wow, that is inspiring.’  I probably never would have caught the glances of those people had I of stayed in my old job but by radically chasing after God I caught their glance and God has and will continue to use that I believe.  It is also funny because many of those people who loved what I was doing down there and called me inspiring are the same ones who are now looking at me like I am crazy because I don’t know what is next and am living in the waiting.  They like my willingness to go but find my lack of control over my own life irresponsible.  The exact thing that they love about me and call inspiring is the same thing that now makes me uncomfortable to them, my opinion is that is because it probably scares the hell of out them.  Irony I suppose.  God is uncomfortable, he is lack of control but I also know that anyone I have found and called an inspiration or wanted to live like has also lived in this place of unknowness that I find myself in now... so I figure it can’t be a bad place to be.  I know I have a God who in his time will reveal what’s next, and it will be from him so it will be good.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother’s Day.  I spoke with my mom and brother this morning and heard their plan for the day.  I then went to church at the orphanage and at the end we had a party for the mother’s.  We played games, sang, and read poems to them.  As I stood there I started tearing up, missing my mom, wishing I could spend the day with her and my brother, laughing with them, eating with them, enjoying them.  I sat in this sorrow for quite some time as everyone around me laughed and embraced the moments.  Then I looked around and realized that yes, I was away from my mom for mother’s day but at least I have a mom, most of the kids around me didn’t even have a mom... at least as a teenager I had a mom beside me, to take me to school, to ask me about my day, to fix me soup when I was sick, to watch my soccer games, to be proud of me when I got good grades, to take me to the doctor, to  make me dinner at night... these kids don’t have that in their teens... they’re missing out on the tender touch, the soft voice, the loving words that a mom provides...

I then realized that it hurt to be away from my mom and brother for this day and I am not a mom and I especially am  not any of these kid’s mom... but I am one of the closest things that they have to a mom right now.  I’m not perfect and I’m not their real mom and there are lots of them I care for but if I can have some type of an impact, no matter how small it is, to show them the touch, the love, of a mom.  To show to them that role and have some type of an impact on their hearts and lives that a mother has... well if I can do that then it is absolutely worth it to spend the day away from my family, no matter how much I miss them and it hurts.

God Fixes Cars

When I lived in the States one of my worst fears was having car troubles. I would take my car in for all of its check up and pour whatever money needed into it to avoid these awful, frustrating, time consuming, inconvenient occurrences. Since I’ve moved to Mexico it seems that dealing with car troubles is part of my job, could even very reasonably fit into my job description... I have had at least five occurences where the I am out somewhere and the car I am driving will not start at all...

Today I was in the United States in Chula Vista, about 25 minutes from the border, picking up a food donation. When I went to start the car again to leave it wouldn’t start. I tried fiddling with the battery connection which usually helps but that did nothing. Then a couple of the men who were there helped to grind down and tighten the connections. After a couple of attempts we found this wasn’t helping. We then tried to jump the car which was another failed attempt. Throughout all of this I was calm, a bit annoyed at the inconvenience but very cool and collected, knowing there were far worse things that could happen. I eventually talked to Sara and we found someone to come pick me up and we’d leave the van in the US. Just after I’d given directions to the guy who was coming to get me and though, ‘Why not give it one more try’ and sure enough it turned over and started up perfectly! Just then one of the men who’d been helping me to no avail came over and asked me what I did to fix it. I turned to him and very matter-of-factly responded, “I prayed. That’s the only explanation.” Throughout the whole thing I’d been praying, not knowing what was wrong but knowing God was big enough to fix it. Not getting frustrated but remaining thankful that I was safe in the US with caring people when this happened... thanking God and asking if it was his will if he could just let it start so I could get home.

Prayer has truly become my response to problems here. I run into frustrations and problems and issues that back in the US would have ruined my day but now I just turn to God, asking for his help and more often than not he comes through. This was never my response to problems before... but I’ve learned that along with teaching me patience God is using this time to show me that if I just turn to him he can make it all better, if I just believe. And my response to the man who asked me what I did, well in the past I would have considered this to be a crazy answer, of course something physically must have happened... fortunately God has showed me over the past 5 months that that is not always the case... sometimes he just fixes things himself!

God Fixes Cars

When I lived in the States one of my worst fears was having car troubles. I would take my car in for all of its check up and pour whatever money needed into it to avoid these awful, frustrating, time consuming, inconvenient occurrences. Since I’ve moved to Mexico it seems that dealing with car troubles is part of my job, could even very reasonably fit into my job description... I have had at least five occurences where the I am out somewhere and the car I am driving will not start at all...

Today I was in the United States in Chula Vista, about 25 minutes from the border, picking up a food donation. When I went to start the car again to leave it wouldn’t start. I tried fiddling with the battery connection which usually helps but that did nothing. Then a couple of the men who were there helped to grind down and tighten the connections. After a couple of attempts we found this wasn’t helping. We then tried to jump the car which was another failed attempt. Throughout all of this I was calm, a bit annoyed at the inconvenience but very cool and collected, knowing there were far worse things that could happen. I eventually talked to Sara and we found someone to come pick me up and we’d leave the van in the US. Just after I’d given directions to the guy who was coming to get me and though, ‘Why not give it one more try’ and sure enough it turned over and started up perfectly! Just then one of the men who’d been helping me to no avail came over and asked me what I did to fix it. I turned to him and very matter-of-factly responded, “I prayed. That’s the only explanation.” Throughout the whole thing I’d been praying, not knowing what was wrong but knowing God was big enough to fix it. Not getting frustrated but remaining thankful that I was safe in the US with caring people when this happened... thanking God and asking if it was his will if he could just let it start so I could get home.

Prayer has truly become my response to problems here. I run into frustrations and problems and issues that back in the US would have ruined my day but now I just turn to God, asking for his help and more often than not he comes through. This was never my response to problems before... but I’ve learned that along with teaching me patience God is using this time to show me that if I just turn to him he can make it all better, if I just believe. And my response to the man who asked me what I did, well in the past I would have considered this to be a crazy answer, of course something physically must have happened... fortunately God has showed me over the past 5 months that that is not always the case... sometimes he just fixes things himself!

Hope

I sit and hear my kid’s stories often. I listen, I watch their eyes shift from mine to the floor and glaze over, I hear their voice change, I see their faces become serious. I not only hear the pain in their past but I visibly see it in how their demeanor changes and I typically sit there and think to myself, how do they go on? I put myself in their shoes, with their painful past, with all the neglect, abuse, denial, the lack of love... and I think to myself, ‘if it were me, I think I’d give up, I’d quit getting out of bed in the morning or worse...’ I literally cannot fathom how some of them did not take their own lives by this point... their stories are that bad and I mean when all you have is abuse and people not wanting you in your life how do you have any hope? If you’ve never seen any one hope and just experienced hurt then how do you know of it?

Over the past 2 weeks we have had numerous teams of Americans come in on trips. There has been a slight part of me that wonders why are ALL of these people are coming down here. As I’ve talked to some of the members of these groups I have heard them experience the same thing that I experienced on my visits down here in the past, “There is just something different” and it makes you want to keep coming back and clearly groups and people do.

I came across a quote from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell today that says, “Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need- hope that comes not from going around suffering but going through it.” And that is just what these kids have; a hope that makes no sense, one that has been with them from the very beginning. A hope that was with them as they were beaten by their mom, raped by their dad, told their weren’t good enough by their adoptive parents, hungry as their dad spent all their money on drugs, lonely as they sat at home alone at 3 AM as their mom prostituted herself... These kids have looked some of the worst pains and suffering in the face and said, “I know there is more than this, I REFUSE to give up” and they’ve kept on marching. That is why groups keep coming back... these kids know a hope that has never pierced our safe suburban homes, with our savings accounts, our complete families, and all the securities we place around us to make sure we’ll always be “alright” protecting ourselves from many pains and sufferings.

The hope they have still makes no sense to me but it is a beautiful light that shines brightly to me through their smiles daily. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen... it has God written all over it and I have no doubt that in those moments that pierce my heart and make me cringe that my kids went through that He was right there beside them, never once taking His gaze off of them, never letting them out of His sight... renewing that hope in them each morning and longing one day for them to be safe and walk in His freedom.

Medicine Application or is it Feet Washing?

Most of my life I have been a pretty independent person, ever since I was a little kid I wanted to, and could, do most things on my own and for myself and I only asked for my parent’s help when it was absolutely necessary. I always just wanted to keep up with my brother who was 4.5 years older than me and he didn’t ask my parents to help a whole lot so from the age of 4, when I learned how to ride a two wheel bike by myself, on I didn’t ask for much of anything. The only time I remember really wanting and feeling like I needed my parents was when I was sick. When Mom or Dad would have to stay home with me and they’d make me special food and give me my medicine, I not only wanted them there but I felt like I needed them and I felt so special. When I was fifteen I had shoulder surgery and I remember a couple of days after it my mom went on a trip and I just wanted her home again, I needed her to help me take my medicine and help me get dressed and to put my hair in a ponytail... To this day when I am sick I just want to be taken care of and I miss my parents a lot at these times, there is something special about how a parent takes care of you...

Yesterday a couple of our kids went to the doctor, one had sores on her head and the other had sores/bites all over her body. They each came home with medicine that they needed to apply twice a day. At night, before she showered, one of them came up to me and asked me if I could help her with the medicine and applying it after she showered and quickly the other one asked the same. These are two girls that I am not extremely, extremely close with yet when I came in their room and was looking at the medicine and started helping them they where just glowing and turned to me and said, “You’re like our mom.” I laughed at the thought and yet knew that their was some truth to it... that I may be the closest thing they had had in a while, or ever, to a fully loving and caring and embracing female figure. As I thought about how much I wanted my mom to help me with medicines when I was sick and how I still miss her when I am sick it all started to make sense... they’d probably never had an older female figure care enough to take care of them when they were sick and help them with their medicines. It wasn’t quite washing feet and the Bible never speaks of Jesus applying medicine to the disciples but while I was combing through one girl’s head searching for the sores (something that to me was rather gross and I’d really prefer not to do) I couldn’t help but be aware that what I was doing was much more than just applying medicine. Just like when Jesus washed the disciples feet (John 13:1-17), it had much more meaning than just cleaning feet, I knew this moment and this gesture for them was far greater and spoke far more to their hearts than it looked like on the outside and that their hearts were being touched in a way far larger than I could probably ever know.